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Mushrooms have the power to heal, even when we don’t realize it. They can help us come to realizations and actions that we would not have considered otherwise. They can strengthen friendships, but they can also help us break away from those that are toxic or one-sided.
When I was living in Victoria, I had a friend who we’ll call Terry. Terry lived nearby. We would often go skateboarding around the neighbourhood together. He showed me new places to skate and it was always fun pushing each other to try new tricks. We supported each other when we landed something difficult or needed a little extra encouragement. When we were outside engaging in different activities, we got along great. When we spent time inside, it was a bit of a different story.
I am a very introverted person. I have struggled with social anxiety for the majority of my life and it takes a lot for me to open up to people. If I am not totally comfortable around someone, I will let them control the conversation and will generally agree—or at least pretend to—with whatever they say. I do this to avoid conflict and ensure conversations go as smoothly as possible. Terry, on the other hand, is an extrovert who is happy to dominate conversations. He enjoyed telling me all about his problems, feelings, aspirations, and experiences without ever asking about mine. Anytime I felt comfortable enough to share something personal, he would interrupt me mid story to talk about himself. There were times when I felt so frustrated that I was ready to explode, but I always kept my cool.
There was one situation that almost led me to confront him. We were all playing a game of beer pong at a mutual friend’s house one night when things got tense. Terry thought I had cheated at the game and openly accused me in front of the group. I assured him that I did not cheat but I told him that he was welcome to return one of the cups since he felt I had cheated. He responded with aggression which led me to shut down and become quiet. He reacted to this by telling me that I was "like a turtle, always hiding in your shell and never letting anyone in."
This infuriated me. Every time I tried to come out of my shell and share something personal with him, he would always cut me off to talk about himself.
I managed to contain my anger and we continued playing the game.
I have had issues with my anger for most of my life which has led me to become very passive and agreeable to avoid confrontations that may lead to an outburst. It is extremely rare for something to surpass my anger threshold but when it happens, I go into rage autopilot and often end up saying and doing things that will only get me further into trouble. It had been several years since my last outburst, but that was about to change.
One beautiful summer day I decided to buy a half ounce of magic mushrooms. I thought it would be fun to take a trip at Beacon Hill Park. Terry had invited me over, so I skated to his place and brought the magic mushrooms with me. I told him my plan to do a trip at the park and asked if he wanted to join. He agreed and we both ate seven grams of mushrooms each before heading to the park. On the way to the park I hid behind my sunglasses hoping that nobody would notice how high I was.
After about an hour, I was tripping balls like I had never tripped balls before. I felt like I was drifting in and out of reality. The clouds danced around as colours merged and then separated. One moment everything looked normal and the next I felt like I was spinning through some kind of otherworldly vortex. I was overwhelmed with joy and laughter as Terry and I sat on the grass, looking at the sky and laughing so hard we were in tears.
After a while, we messaged our friend, Jamal, to see if he wanted to hangout. He invited us over to his place which was a few blocks away. Before we began our walk over, I asked Terry if I could put my $20 bill in his bag so that it wouldn’t get lost in my pocket. He agreed, but, as we were making the trek, he changed his mind. He didn’t want the $20 in his bag because he didn’t want to lose it. So, I took it back and put it inside my phone case. I joked about how it was such a good place to keep it that I might not even be able to find it again myself.
We got to Jamal’s place, watched some videos, and smoked some weed. After a little while, we decided to leave and head back to Terry’s place to soak up some sun in his backyard.
By the time we were ready to leave Jamal’s apartment, I had completely forgotten about where I put my $20. I asked Terry if he had the money in his bag. He checked frantically, obviously unable to find it. I told him it wasn’t a big deal and not to worry about it but he was extremely upset. He was convinced that I thought he had stolen the money. He kept saying he should have never let me put it in his bag in the first place.
Again, I reassured him that it must have just gotten lost somewhere and that I knew he would never steal anything from me. I just wanted to forget about the money and move on. But he only became more upset and continued to lament that I should have never given him the money and it was my fault that it was gone. Once again, I told him that I agreed with him and to just forget about it all.
We went back and forth like this for a while until eventually I lost my cool.
“Why the fuck do you care so much about the $20?! It isn’t your money so why the fuck do you care so much? Just shut the fuck about about it!” I screamed.
“Well you should have never fucking gave it to me, I don’t want to be responsible for your shit, it’s fucking annoying!” Terry argued back.
Suddenly, I could no longer tolerate Terry. Everything that Terry had ever done to upset me was coming up and materializing into pure rage. I could no longer control my actions and it felt as though I was watching myself in third person. For the first time in many years, I had entered rage autopilot. We exchanged more harsh words and I ended up in the middle of the street, screaming at Terry, goading him on to come and fight me.
Terry didn't respond. He looked scared and then looked away. A look of defeat washed over his face and body language and he just started walking home.
I started coming back to my senses and tried apologizing but he had no interest interacting with me. Jamal looked at me in slight disbelief but didn't say anything. We followed Terry back to his place as I still had some of my belongings there.
Terry was furious. He would barely speak to either of us, and when he did respond to Jamal’s questions, it was in a furious tone.
Jamal asked what he planned to do when he got home.
"I’M GOING TO READ A BOOK!”
Jamal tried to match his energy, maybe to make him laugh or lighten the mood. “OH YEAH? WHAT KIND OF BOOK ARE YOU GOING TO READ?!”
“I’M GOING TO READ SOME SHORT STORIES!”
Despite still being upset, I still found this funny but, at this point the magic mushrooms were making it very difficult to change my mood. I still felt angry. When I finally remembered the $20 was in my phone case, we all laughed briefly but the tension was still prevalent.
When we got to Terry's place, I grabbed my things, and he kicked us out.
After a week or so, Terry and I texted and apologized to each other, but I had no interest in seeing him again. Jamal would often try to convince me to forgive Terry and rekindle our friendship but I felt relieved to no longer have my experiences and opinions ignored by Terry. We did end up hanging out a couple of times after the incident but it was much more difficult to tolerate feeling ignored. After a while, we stopped reaching out to each other.
It took a seven gram mushroom trip but it felt good to finally stand up to Terry instead of keeping things bottled up. Some friendships aren’t meant to be and this was one of them.